If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
