I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
