woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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