i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
