i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
