Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
