insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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