i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
