my sisters under your porch take her home
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
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nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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