tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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