I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
