OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
