Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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