haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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