you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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