God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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