remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
