Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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