tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
