maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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