Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
