Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
