I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
