did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
