Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
