We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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