To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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