Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
