I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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