Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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