i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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