i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
