My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
