Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
