it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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