tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
