she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
