Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Everclear isn't food dammit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
