You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
