My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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