11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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