So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
