i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
