I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Randomize
