i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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