chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
