Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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