So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
