im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
