literally had 100 drinks last night.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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