everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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