pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
