Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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