I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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