my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
