I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
