I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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