btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
